You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
