Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
