I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
