smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
