the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
