you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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