Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize