My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
