the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
