the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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