I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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