If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
