he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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