sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
