So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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