I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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