I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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