Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
