I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
