Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
