My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
