I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
