a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Found the puke drawer
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize