the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He passed out mid-signature
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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