I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
