No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
