Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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