3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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