I hope my margaritas pass through security.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Found the puke drawer
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
