he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
