I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
