apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
