Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
