I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
