I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize