Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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