the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
