At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
