The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
