You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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