atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
