Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
