you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
