The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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