I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
