Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
As shirtless as possible
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
