I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
