Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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