just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Help. Why am I so naked?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize