Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
