So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
