shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
