Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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