boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
