Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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