I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
