you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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