i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
